I couldn’t quite see it. But then I wasn’t quite looking at it. I don’t know why I wasn’t quite looking at it. Because I was looking to find it. Maybe I was afraid that if I looked at it too closely, I would see that it wasn’t what I was looking for on the first place. So I tried not to look too closely at it. Figured it would probably be a problem if I was going to do that. But I didn’t necessarily know why. I didn’t necessarily know how it was that I was going to be able to do anything at all.
I suppose I feel weird about it. Not necessarily knowing. I mean, I know I wanna look for this thing. I know that it’s right there. But if I look too closely at it might not actually be what I’m looking for. So all I have to do is reach out to it. (I figure that’s all I have to do, right?) that’s what I’m thinking anyway. And I don’t really think that I have any more to worry about beyond where it is that we are. It just feels kind of weird. Kind of weird trying to understand.
And now it feels like there’s something missing. Like I’m looking at this thing that’s looking at me. We’re both looking at each other. There’s something about it that doesn’t quite feel right. But I don’t know what it is that feels wrong. But I know that something’s not quite where it needs to be. Because if I’m looking at this thing, it shouldn’t be looking back at me unless it’s someone else. Or something else that would have some kind of a pulse. Some kind of a consciousness. Wouldn’t that make sense? I think it would.
I feel like I’m saying something through it. Which is weird. Because I don’t think I’m actually talking. But the way it’s looking at me. It makes me feel like I’m looking at it in a way that makes me feel like I’m probably communicating something. The only way that I would actually be communicating. Anything with this thing is by simply speaking to it. That wouldn’t know how to speak to it in any other way. After all, I’m not even sure what it is. I’m not even sure what it is, but I’m saying to this thing.
And as I’m looking at this thing, it occurs to me that it might actually be speaking to me. I’m not necessarily certain how. But it seems to be speaking to me in my own thoughts. Not all of my own thoughts, of course. Some of these thoughts are mine. But I’m not absolutely certain. I’m not absolutely certain. Which of these thoughts are mine in which are these thoughts of this thing that’s looking at me. This thing that almost certainly has a consciousness now that I’m really thinking about it. I mean, I would have to come right? I would have to think about it.
And I suppose I’m probably thinking about it a great deal. It certainly feels as though I probably am. I probably should be thinking about it a great deal. I mean, after all, if I’m not thinking about it, I’m not in the right frame of mind to be thinking about much of anything. And I need to do something about that. I need to do something about the fact that I’m not actually thinking about anything. Which she suggested to me all my thoughts are coming from the snow that’s looking at me.
I guess I feel kind of weird about it. Like I’m not actually understanding something that I need to understand about this situation. Maybe that’s not me that’s feeling to understand. Maybe that’s the thing that’s thinking that thoughts that are inside my head that seem to be looking at me right now. Maybe that’s what’s really the problem here. I don’t know. But whatever it is that this thing is that’s in front of me, it certainly feels like it seems to know a little bit more about this situation. It just feels a little weird thinking about it.
And it feels a little weird. And then, looking at this thing. They’re not necessarily being able to identify it. Even though everything that it’s made up of, it seems to be very familiar to me. I mean, it’s not like I should be having any difficulty identifying this thing. I just don’t know what it is. I mean, every time I try to get my mind around what it is that I’m looking at, I’m not absolutely certain what it is that I’m seeing. But I can just sort of accept it as being this thing that’s thinking some of my thoughts which might be all of my thoughts.
And I do have a sinking suspicion that what I’m looking at is a remarkably familiar look through it for a reason. Like this thing that I would’ve seen in reflection since I was born. Just gradually crawling as I do. However, I don’t want to believe that that’s what I’m looking at for, I would like to think that this thing is only thinking some of my thoughts, but not all of them. And I would like to think this thing is something other than me. But it’s really difficu really difficult to make any other kind of conclusion right now.
I suppose I’m looking at this thing. I suppose it’s looking at me. But I guess we’re both going to decide to turn away from each other at the same time. I figure that’s probably what’s going to need to happen. That’s probably what’s happening right now. So I feel kind of weird about it. But I don’t know. I mean, I’ll probably have to look back at this thing again. Every time I see myself in the mirror. I mean, it’s got to be there, right? Where else could it be?
About the Author
Russ Bickerstaff is a critic and author living in Milwaukee, WI.
Leave a Reply